Insight: Traveller types

Pre-schooler parents - What is going through these people’s minds? Babies in a caravan park can’t be a relaxing way to spend a trip, toddlers running in front of cars and these little beings full of energy being strapped into a car for 4 hours at a time must be like torture. For the kid and the parents. Good luck to those that do it, and I am unsure of the motivation as the kids will never remember it, but the set up and work required to keep daily life going is hard at this age – let alone being in a new place every couple of days.

Schooler parents - These people can be split into two types. The chicken nuggeters and the bubble wanders.

CHICKEN NUGGETERS: Typically found on the east coast in NRMA and Big 4 caravan parks. Those that have waterslides, jumping castles and peddle cars where the kids can be let free and be unsupervised while the parents sit around having a drink. At night, the kids are fed chicken nuggets and told to behave as the parents catch a taxi to the closest pub to finish off the job they started in the afternoon. They can also be identified by the children screaming consistently, or the parent yelling at the top of their voice “HUNTER, ROCKY, DON’T DO THAT” while opening the next savvy b. Their vans are Bloody Big Caranvans and are towed by their trade 4WD ute.

BUBBLE WANDERS: Typically found in an older caravan park which doesn’t have jumping castles. The kids can be found playing in the dirt or on the beach, playing cricket or ball games or their favourite past times, creating bubbles from huge bubble wands which can be chased down and exploded to everyone’s delight. It is more common that the bubble wanders will be also found with Grey Plonkers (see below) who can also play with the kids. The wine is generally red, and is drunk between the hours of 4:30 and 6pm, when then it is time for everyone to go to bed.

Grey Plonkers - These folks are over 65, from southern Victoria escaping the cold and go to the same place every year, and have done so for the last 25 years. They know everybody and have done everything in the area, and hence sit in front of the van nattering until around 4:30, when the red wine comes out and they natter until 6:00pm – bedtime. They are friendly and approachable, and will invite you into their natter group, nay, insist you come into their natter group as then they have a new person to tell all their stories to. What they hadn’t counted on was that they hadn’t heard my stories either!

Grey Entitled Nomads - Couples over 65 that are ticking off the sights around Australia so they can tell you they have been everywhere and tell you all about it, and what is good about it and what not to do. They rarely mix in common areas other than a caravan park bar or sometimes the pool, where they can express their dislike of there being so many local indigenous folk in Alice Springs or where an Indian family came and ruined their experience at Uluru. The easiest way to keep yourself safe from these creatures is to express a respect for other people, and point out the indigenous folks live there and have every right to be there. This is more effective than Mortein on Louie the fly.

Foreigner Maui van drivers - With Covid only opening up the borders recently, I suspect there are fewer of these than there used to be. They generally show an amazing knowledge for the country I live in, and have a different perspective on what is going on. They are best approached in Camp Kitchens while doing the washing up and are pleasant to talk to and learn from. Oh, you do also have to feed them the odd line of bullshit about kangaroos and drop bears, it is, after all, in our constitution.

Bikies – yes, there are quite a few. Mostly on motor cycles but we have seen the occasional push biker. They have to travel light, have a swag, and a small foldable cup they can cook a 3 course meal in, as long as it involves two minute noodles. They may be shaking when you talk to them due to the after affects of riding hundreds of K’s on sub-par roads, or in the case of a push biker, a road train having just passed them.

Pre-Nomad - This is where we fit in. Too young to be a Plonker or an Grey Entitled Nomad (and we are told this often) and too old to be a pre-schooler or schooler parent. Just having adventure and learning the ropes, this is the first time they have had to contend with chicken nuggeters, bubble wanders, all the grey nomad types and the rest. They may or may not develop into fully fledged travellers, but have a few years to decide. Likely to be found in music festivals staying in the stupidly little van for a couple of nights so they don’t have to drive back to accommodation at the end of the night.